Awkward Synapses

Misconceptions Of Romance

Of course movies and TV shows make us believe of whirlwind romances that couldn’t possibly exist. So we keep searching for this love that we believe has to be out there. We are disappointed over and over again, because we are looking for the wrong things. I feel like my generation is clouded by the thoughts of “instant gratification”, there are even times when it gets me… But our generation does have this mindset… The love at first sight, whirlwind romance, engaged, and then married. All of these things we seem to expect to happen instantly. I have friends that are engaged after dating someone less than a month. To me, that is way too fast… Do you even know the person you’re with? How do you know it’s going to last when you haven’t even been through tough times together yet? And there is other people, that can’t wait to get married before they have kids. I’m not talking about accidental pregnancies…. I’m talking about the people who want to have kids so badly that they force their partner to impregnate them because they can’t wait a few months to get married. Now they have two kids together and their relationship changes more than people change their clothes. They’ve been engaged, broken up, they’ve cheated on each other, and they expect their family to be happy at the 4th or 5th announcement of engagement…. I think everyone needs to learn how to take it slow again… Date for awhile, move in together, be a couple for a few years, get engaged, then get married, and then have kids. Just wait… There is no hurry, life expectancy is a lot longer than it used to be. So take some time and enjoy things. Don’t rush into everything or that’s how your life will end up. A rush.

My New Wonderful, FABULOUS Idea!

Since this is now finals week, I keep dreaming of what I will be doing this summer. But last week I came up with this positively wonderful idea! This summer I will be trying as many new experiences as I can. This is a great idea because doing new things is a great way to enforce positive actions within my life.

Things I WILL be doing this summer:

1. Joining a gym with my best friend Kathy. (This is our way to get exercise, relieve stress, see each other regularly, and help us maintain a healthy lifestyle that we can feel good about.)

2. Making my own bras. (Since my breasts have been destroying expensive bras left and right…. I will be making my own. Saving myself money. And I can finally have a sexy bra in size H! Also this will tell me if my business idea will work out.)

3. Going to Renaissance Fair. (Did it last year and it was too much fun! We have no excuse not to go this year as well!)

4. I will be going paddle-boating. A completely new experience for me.

5. I will visit people I haven’t visited in awhile.

6. I will experience NEW things!

It’s a short list right now. But it’s a start. And I love it!

No More Nice Gal…

I’m pretty upset about a certain issue… I guess I can understand the circumstances, but the act in question was not called for.

I understand that you were being put in the spot for a situation that was uncomfortable… But how do you jump from having to get rid of your dog to my personal issues? Just because your ass is on the line does not mean you have to throw me under the bus….

The question after you did said throwing was is there a problem between us? No, there is no problem. There is no us. You may be related to my boyfriend, okay. You may be living with my boyfriend, okay. But let’s get a few things straight…. There will no longer be any free rides. Once my car gets fixed that is… You will no longer be privy to get your ass driven all over town just because I have a car and your lazy ass doesn’t. I won’t be hanging out with you anymore, I really don’t care if we’ll be living under the same damn roof. In doing all this I am guaranteeing that you won’t have any canon fodder when your ass gets put in the spotlight again.

I will be polite, kind, and pleasant to you. But know this, we will never be friends. You will just stay my boyfriends brother. You will not be privileged to know the super nice Veronica who doesn’t say no, expect for EVERY time you ask for a ride or a favor for the answer to be NO. You have lost any amount of trust and respect I ever had for you. Congratulations this is not an easily accomplished task. And since you haven’t the faintest about what this blog is about since you never read it, you can’t see this or use it against me. It will be public for a short amount of time and then gone forever, enjoy dick.

Mirror Mirror…

Some days it’s an absolute struggle to deal with what I see in the mirror. I look at my body and I can’t help but cry. I just hate it. There have been many times when I look in the mirror and wish that I could just take a knife and cut it all off…. All the fat… Cause if I did, then maybe I’d be pretty. But then logic sets in and I know that if I took a knife to myself I would bleed to death…. Not a very pretty picture…

Someone I know wants to get a tummy tuck. She is thinner than me by far, but she’s not the size she was in high school so she “needs” to get back to that weight… I don’t think skinny people understand. There are those of us who were never that thin. And society tells us that we should strive to be thinner. Which just makes me hate myself more, seeing that I can’t be that girl that society wants me to be.

What hurts even more is when your family makes remarks about your weight. My grandparents always seem to mention it, which started my deep hatred for my body. I don’t think they ever realized how much their comments hurt. Or how much they’ve affected me. They also don’t realize the pain I go through by torturing myself because I want to be thin.

Recently, I’ve been having a difficult time eating. If I’m hungry, I just ignore it… And if I do eat, I feel guilty. I feel like someone my size doesn’t deserve to eat or enjoy food. And recently my mental capacity to push back my self hatred is wearing thin… I’m at the point of giving up. I don’t want to tell my family, they’ll tell me that I need to eat and just exercise to get the needed endorphins. I don’t tell my boyfriend because he’ll tell me I’m being ridiculous and why can’t I accept that I have a boyfriend who loves me just the way I am. They just don’t understand what it’s like to hate yourself.

I feel very alone in this… Just sitting in the shower tonight I had the urge to take my scissors and stab myself, to just get rid of it…. But that’s ridiculous. I’m not sure what to do besides bring up the issue with my therapist. Try to find a solution. Go for regular walks and eat as best as I can. I will try to control the controllable. But other than that there is still the self loathing being pushed to the back of my mind. Always present, but not yet over powering.

Just Because I Feel Like It

• 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

          Of course I would, he’s my boyfriend!

• 2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

           Nope.

• 3. Have you taken someones virginity?

           Yes. A couple virginities actually.

• 4. Is trust a big issue for you?

           Sometimes.

• 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

           Yes and I get to see him Thursday!

• 6. What are you excited for?  

          My boyfriend is moving into a nice apartment!

• 7. What happened tonight?

          Nothing really.

• 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

           Yea….. I used to be one of those girls.

• 9. Is confidence cute?

           Of course!

• 10. What is the last beverage you had?

             Water.

• 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

            Maybe 3 or 4.

• 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

             No…

• 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

            Sex up my man!

• 14. What are you going to spend money on next?

            Pay a parking ticket.

• 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

             Yes!

• 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

            Hopefully won’t be as stressed out.

• 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

            Honestly? Jae.

• 18. The last time you felt broken?

             Last week.

• 19. Have you had sex today?

           Sadly no.

• 20. Are you starting to realize anything?

             Yes!

• 21. Are you in a good mood?

             Yup.

• 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

             Sounds fun.

• 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

            Yes.

• 24. What do you want right this second?

              My neck and back to stop hurting.

• 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

              You lied when you said you’d never cheat…

• 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

            No.

• 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

            No.

• 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

            A text from my man.

• 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

              A few people actually.

• 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

             No, not everyone.

• 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

             Hell no, I love him.

• 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

          Yes indeedy!

• 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

            Yes I am!

• 34. Listening to?

            Talking About a Revolution by Tracy Chapman

• 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

              Always, hate pen.

• 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

             In his room, on his bed, playing his PS3.    O.o

• 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

           No.

• 38. Who did you last call?

               Mom.

• 39. Who was the last person you danced with?

            Thomas

• 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

             Cause I love him.

• 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

             Couple weeks ago.

• 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

            No.

• 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

            Yup.

• 44. Do you tan in the nude?

             Eww, tanning…

• 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

            Not at all.

• 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

              No.

• 47. Who was the last person to call you?

            Thomas. <3

• 48. Do you sing in the shower?

             Sometimes.

• 49. Do you dance in the car?

               Yes.

• 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

           No but I want to.

• 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

            Uh….

• 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

           NO!

• 53. Is Christmas stressful?

             A bit.

• 54. Ever eat a pierogi?

            Mmmm, had homemade ones a couple days ago. Pyrohy….

• 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

             Apple and Peach, sort of a tie…

• 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

               Vet, Olympic swimmer, doctor, and a cook.

• 57. Do you believe in ghosts?

              Yes.

• 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

            Almost every day.

• 59. Take a vitamin daily?

             No.

• 60. Wear slippers?

             Sometimes.

• 61. Wear a bath robe?

               No.

• 62. What do you wear to bed?

             NAKED!!!!!!!

• 63. First concert?

              Carly Simon with Hall and Oates

• 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

             Target

• 65. Nike or Adidas?

              Neither

• 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

               Neither

• 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

             Peanuts

• 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

             You Belong With Me

• 69. Ever take dance lessons?

               Yup, taking a class now.

• 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

             No

• 71. Can you curl your tongue?

            Yes

• 72. Ever won a spelling bee?

            No, never had a spelling bee.

• 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

              Not that I can recall.

• 74. What is your favorite book?

              I have several.

• 75. Do you study better with or without music?

               With

• 76. Regularly burn incense?

             No, occasionally

• 77. Ever been in love?

             Yes <3

• 78. Who would you like to see in concert?

             OAR

• 79. What was the last concert you saw?

            Sick Puppies

• 80. Hot tea or cold tea?

              cold

• 81. Tea or coffee?

             iced tea

• 82. Favorite type of cookie?

             Hmm…. I like most holiday cookies. Russian Tea Cookies I guess.

• 83. Can you swim well?

             Swimmer all my life! So yes.

• 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

               Easy.

• 85. Are you patient?

              Huh?

• 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

             Nope

• 87. Ever won a contest?

             Lip syncing contest.

• 88. Ever have plastic surgery?

             No

• 89. Which are better black or green olives?

             I like both.

• 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

              Don’t care.

• 91. Best room for a fireplace?

              Ours is in it’s own area….

• 92. Do you want to get married?

             Eventually.

Catastrophizing

The most ever present battle in my life is currently my struggle with myself. Although more recently I’ve been trying to change my thought patterns. I tend to catastrophize most situations and I end up making a small problem into a huge problem. In trying to change my thoughts I am constantly stopping myself and asking if this is really a big issue.

For example… My boyfriend currently lives at his aunt’s house (moving this week, yay!) and since he’s been living there I have felt very uncomfortable. I feel like his aunt gives me dirty looks every time she sees me in the house. She has also watched Tom and I as we were in the kitchen to make sure we weren’t eating her food. If she’s talking to someone or is on the phone, she stops talking the second I enter a room and watches me even if I’m putting on my shoes to leave. I always feel like I’m being confined to Tom’s room. So when Tom told her he’s moving out she said that she feels like I’m the one giving her dirty looks. It troubled me most of the day but after awhile I realized I don’t care what she thinks, she won’t be part of my life anymore.

Other times it’s more difficult to distance myself from the situation enough to see that I’m worrying over something I shouldn’t be investing my energy into. It may be a constant battle, but I feel as though I’m making progress. So here’s to staying on target!